


The Past is Prologue

by QuinsValoria



Series: Genderstuck AU [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: (Through binding), Accidental Self Harm, Because godtier, Beta trolls are awesome, But like karkat tries, Canon What Canon, Chucklevoodoos, F/F, F/M, Female Karkat Vantas, Genderstuck AU, Grubs (Homestuck), I'm fueled by spite, Karkat Has Gills, Kid Fic, Krabdad is actually the only one with common sense oops, Mentions of Suicide, Minor mentions of body disphoria, Multi, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Only barely edited, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Female Character, Pale Polyamory, Playing with headcannoned troll society, Playing with headcannons, Polyamory Negotiations, Pre-Canon, Sober Gamzee Makara, Sort of? - Freeform, Speedrunner (oc) has no chill, Starts pre cannon and continues theoughtout hs cannon, Synesthesia, Synesthetic Gamzee, Temporary Character Death, Troll Gills (Homestuck), Unreliable Narrator, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2019-09-05 18:48:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 19,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16816378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuinsValoria/pseuds/QuinsValoria
Summary: He sees these poor, pathetic, starving creatures, and he pities themso goddamn much.My people,he thinks, mourning.He wakes up.Karkat rolls over, and doesn't remember in the morning.........In a timeline where Karkat grows up sharing a lusus with the Jade who rescued her, things are both exactly the same and very, very different.





	1. Hatching

**Author's Note:**

> My trolls are characterised in a much less human way; instinct is stronger and subvocal communications is A Thing. I also headcannon that the reason jadebloods work in the caverns because they have the ability to naturally change how they release pheramones, as well as the greatest share of maternal/paternal instinct.
> 
> Also I remembered reading how lusii have the same blood color as their grubs, and so have always assumed someone had to have placed karkat with a suitable lusus.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes let me know!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My trolls are characterised in a much less human way; instinct is stronger and subvocal communications is A Thing. I also headcannon that the reason jadebloods work in the caverns because they have the ability to naturally change how they release pheramones, as well as the greatest share of maternal/paternal instinct.
> 
> Also I remembered reading how lusii have the same blood color as their grubs, and so have always assumed someone had to have placed karkat with a suitable lusus.
> 
> If you notice any mistakes let me know!
> 
> April 10th 2019 - edited and tweaked

Speedrunner was at a loss. 

He, like many jadebloods living and working with the mother grub, had been taught from his first step into the underground of the legend of The Sufferer. Of his Earthblood, bright like fire, like the sunset, like magma running beneath the surface of Alternia.

Stories and secrets were quietly passed from follower to follower, mentor to protogé, until every Jadeblood working the caverns beneath the surface knew of the Mother and Son. They knew any word to those above ground would mean genocide, so they closed ranks and swore one another to secrecy. It was too important to lose, to dangerous to release, so it was hidden. 

It was a cautionary tale and a schoolfeeding, detailing how any of them could fall, why not to get _attached_. 

Caring for a wriggler could only end in tragedy.

The Jadebloods were a small cast, empathetic, somewhat insular and fiercely protective of each other. For this reason, every Jadeblooded worker carried the Sufferer's mark against their chest. It served to remind them, and to ward away troublesome thoughts. 

This was perhaps why he was so struck when he saw her; a little red wriggler, brighter and more striking than even the rare fuesha. 

She was tiny but fearsome, hissing and spitting at even the largest blue bloods, most smartly staying out of her way. 

He had always pitied the Dolorosa of the story for her folly. He had thought her foolish.

He understood her perhaps a little better, staring at the tiny thing bullying a dull looking purple blood.

The remnants of racial instinct swelled inside of him, something older than Drones, than even the Mothergrub, from a time when trolls still raised the young they brooded. 

He ached to pick her up, squeeze her to his chest and squirrel her away where she wouldnt be found.

He swayed on the spot, struggling with indecision.

 _She'll never survive to pupation._

The unwelcome thought rose up inside him, a stirring of an unfamiliar dread making the blood drain from his face. A tiny flash of foresight sparked across his brain, of the baby Savior being found by someone else before pupation. Her end on the tines of a culling fork.

_Ūňåçčëpţåbĺə。_

He moves before consciously deciding to do so, scooping up the grub in one hand and stuffing her into his shirt, zipping it up before one of his compatriots could catch sight of her.

She goes still and quiet, instinct seeing the gesture for what it was. Her legs prick at his chest, catching in the fabric of his undershirt.

Distantly chagrined, he begins to see the truth of the warnings. The may well have been pointless, considering, but at least he had been well warned. 

They told him he was going to suffer for this, but with that _damnable_ instinct flaring high, his heart thumping in his chest, he couldn't quite yet bring himself to care.

Maybe later.

He smuggled her back to his room, putting her into a hurriedly thrown together incubation box. He plyed her a bit of food to keep her busy while he readied a sun cloak and stuffed some of his belongings into a padded carrier bag. 

He glanced around, assuring himself he hadn't left anything... incriminating. 

"Time to go then." He decided. 

she warbled in agreement around her mouthful of shell. 

It was time to pay a visit to his custodian. 

He exits the caves under cover of the sun, wrapping his bag and the still delicate grub inside with his suncloak. He's a jadeblood and needn't worry as long as he's fast. 

He made his way to the coast, to the sea caves where he grew up, and the hive he still came back to on occasion, visiting the custodian who had, somehow, _miraculously_ not yet managed to acquire another grub.

Krabdad was a crustacean kind, clingy and protective of those he took on, almost aggressively affectionate. He used to strap speedrunner in a sling against his soft underbelly and scuttle off with him, not letting anyone so much as see him.

 _Not even other lusii sometimes,_ he thought with wryly, lightly patting his squirming bag to settle the contents. He's a great lusus with many successes, and a strong parental instinct, on occasion even trying to steal young trolls of other bloodcaste from inattentive lusii.

This tendency of course made him _perfect_ for the job.

He let himself in through the front door, putting up with the outpouring of affection with practiced grace. He smiled to himself as the crustacean suddenly began sniffling around, nudging his midsection and sling bag and giving him eager, curious skreeeing noises, getting excited and skuttling around in front of him.

The he gave in to the prodding and began opening the sling, pulling out the slightly rumpled wriggler, who went very still and gave a startled little squeak upon sighting the large lusus. He was all but vibrating in place.

In response the crab stilled, sitting and making an odd little croon low enough to vibrate the air in his lungs.

Speedrunner smothered the reflexive trill and held the wriggler out so they could smell each other.

Upon hearing the _calmsafehappy_ noise, the grub wriggled once, looking wide eyed but definately more intrigued then distressed. A win in his books.

The jadeblood smiled with quiet glee and placed the girl onto the custodian's head. She instinctively latched on to the heavy chitin plates, squeaking in delight as the lusus stood and began to sway back and forth, a controlled dance to test her grip. The lusus let out a shrill happy noise, quickly mimicked by the grub.

“Krrrrkt! Krrrrkt!” they shrieked.

Speedrunner hummed, nodding slightly to himself. Karkat was indeed a fine name.

The Jade backed away and settled himself in a corner to watch. 

He knew his custodian would take care of her for her entire wrigglerhood and beyond, keeping her safe when he couldn't. He couldn't wait to see what her future would bring. He hoped to be there for all of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was curious, the little purple blood she was bullying was totally gamzee.


	2. Pupation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A short chapter, detailing karkat's first pupation and reintroduction to her dads. The end of what my notes call "stage 1".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Annoyingly short chapter but things pick up after this!
> 
> Please let me know of any mistakes.

===> Karkat: Emerge

Karkat’s first clear memory is of tumbling out of her chrysalis and into Speedrunner’s arms.

Like most trolls, very little memory from Before her first pupation remains, all but the clearest of it lost in the change. Because of this, her first cold, slimy breath of air stuck clearly with her. 

She coughed and noisily spat out slime as firm hands towel her off.

she flails at the fabric, catching some of it in her fists. She tries to rise to her feet using the soft material as a crutch. An arm wraps around her waist, supporting her as the other presence uses a bit of the fabric to carefully clean her face, clearing her eyes.

She opens them looking at the presence before her, and flinches back at seeing the big troll next to her. 

Ignoring or not noticing the movement, the being gathers her up, still crouched, pressing her face into the side of his neck as he finishes cleaning her. 

She sniffs, and goes boneless, the familiar scent soothing her as she slumps into the figure. 

He coos softly, discarding the dirty cloth and wrapping her in a clean blanket as she shivers.

“There you are darling,” he whispers, patting her back.

He lifts her and her bundle of blankets into his arms. “Let's get you to crabdad.”

He stands carefully, supporting her torso while avoiding her fresh grubscars and the delicate gills slits wrapping around her ribs. She folds her arms around his neck, hiding her face in the curtain of his hair. 

He moves to the door, shifting her to one arm to open the door. Her claws hook into the fabric of his clothes as she clings. The keratin was still soft from the cocoon, only barely prickling at his skin. That would change soon enough as they dried and hardened.

They passed through the doorway and into the adjoining chamber where Krabdad waited impatiently.

He fidgeted, shifting repeatedly back and forth in his anxiety. He rushed forward as he saw them, looming impatiently over Speedrunner, sniffling the tiny form.

The girl was turned so they were nose to snout, staring at each other for a long moment before crabdad surged forward, taking the smaller bipedal into his arms, rolling her up tighter in the blanket and taking off with her. 

Speedrunner followed only long enough to ascertain he was taking her to the kitchen. She would be hungry after the long perigee of pupation.

He looked down at himself, nose wrinkling in distaste as he took in the thick slime and traces of red fibres from her cocoon, sticking to and gluing together his previously clean jumper.

He would have to take care of the mess soon, burn the cocoon still attached to the underside of the living room couch, but first- bath. 

It's not like the mess would get any worse in the few minutes it would take, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It totally glued to the wall and floor like egg. He ends up having to paint it all over. Whoops.


	3. Seabugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baby trolls! Gamzee is hopeless and karkat is outraged.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who reads this can probably tell, but _I cannot child._ what even are kids?
> 
> So like, pretend troll kids mature faster or something.
> 
> Note: edited 25th June, 2019

===> Karkat: Examine The Interloper

Karkat stops dead in her tracks, narrowing her eyes. 

A troll sits by her seabug hunting spot, headless to any claim she had left in the place. 

He's tiny, somehow even smaller than her, one arm shoulder deep in the water like he's trying to grasp the tiny bugs with his bare hands. He surfaces empty handed, shivering in the ragged suncloak wrapped around him. He folds his arms around himself and looks _increadibly_ miserable.

She makes a disgusted noise and shakes her head, marching up behind him.

“If you're trying to catch seabugs you won't get any like that.”

She hadn't thought she'd been especially sneaky, but he yelps and tries to shoot to his feet, spinning around and nearly falling backwards into the pools. 

Krabdad reaches out and snags the front of his shirt, balancing him and reeling him closer. He immediately begins grooming the wide eyed troll, trying to tame the rediculous wild hair and somehow making it worse. He briefly tries to stuggle free, only getting tangled up in his own cloak for his trouble. He goes still under the attentions, stunned.

Karkat eyes these going ons before deciding she doesn't much care what happens there, better him than her. She seats herself gracefully in the newly vacant spot, or as gracefully as a troll of her stature could be.

She ties a piece of cluckbeast liver to some of the cord she had brought. She dips it into the water, letting it sit a few seconds before quickly pulling it up with the other end attached to a stick. She shakes off the two little seabugs attached to the end into the basket in front of the other boy's disbelieving face.

“I used to be small enough to swim in the water and catch them like that but now they're too fast and I'm too big, so we do it this way.” She nods to the string.

“You can do that?” he asks wonderingly, flopping loosely under the tongue bath.

She nods importantly, showing him the bag of liver.

“They hold onto the food to eat it, then don't want to let go when you pull on it. So you can just pull‘m out and drop‘m in a bucket.” She explains, demonstrating again.

Krabdad finally sets the youth on his butt next to karkat so she thrusts the supplies in his direction, shaking them demandingly when he doesn't immediately reach for them.

“C'mon dude, you gotta help or we'll never get enough.”

He takes them and obediantly fumbles to tie a fresh piece, his tiny fingers having difficulty with the knots. When she's sure he's gotten it, she goes back to fishing. 

They fill the big basket most of the way in silence. 

She watches him out of the corner of her eye while she works, appraising his tiny frame and skinny legs. He can't be much younger than her but he's tiny and looks as if he hasn't had a good meal since he pupated.

She frowns.

“Where's your lusus?” she demands abruptly, forgoing tact.

He flinches in startlement, hunching his shoulders and looking a little uncomfortable. 

“He's out at sea,” he says, pointing out at the open ocean. “He'll be back soon.”

She hums suspiciously, eyeing him again.

“And how long has he been gone?”

He shrugs. “Few days I guess.”

She huffs in sympathetic indignation.

“He does that often?”

He makes a face. “I guess so, he comes back every few weeks to make sure I'm okay.”

"Every few weeks?” she asks, sharply.

Krabdad makes a low whuff of distress.

The boy nods, looking a little confused by her reaction, but not overly upset by the whole thing. He must be _used to it._

“As long as I'm here to see him he’ll allways come back.”

She nearly shrieks.

“Have you been here since he left?” she asks, agape. He looks even more confused, but nods.

“What about the sun,” she demands, setting aside her string lure. “At least tell me you find shelter from that.”

He frowns.

“That's what this is for brother,” he tugs at the blanket wrapped around him. “this keeps me nice and safe.”

She snarles in frustration, ruthlessly beating back a squeeze of sympathetic tears.

No wonder he had seemed to cold, suncloak or no he's probably sunburned to _hell._

_No wonder he was so addled,_ she thinks with faint hilarity. _The sun probably fried his brain._

“How have you fed yourself?” she demands, switching gears.

He cocks his head, glancing at the container of seabugs, nearly full as it is under the combined efforts of the both of them.

“I been fishing, though your way seems to work way better than mine.”

She twitches, then goes very still. 

“okay no. Nope, nu-uh, _not happening_.” She declares.

She stands, scooping up her basket with one hand, grabbing his bony wrist with the other, pulling him to his feet.

She releases him and begins herding him off in front of her, nudging him and shooing him with her free hand every time he looks back at her.

“Where are we going?” he asks, twisting his head around to look at her behind him.

She finally huffs in frustration, shoves the basket at Krabdad and hooks her elbow with his.

“We,” she announces, “are going Home.”

“Where's that,” he asks, gamely letting himself be towed along.

"Not too far” she promises.

“Proper food, a bath and clean clothes. And a bed tonight.”

“But my Lusus-” he yelps, digging his feet into the sand and looking back, trying to lean back around Krabdad towards the ocean.

“-can take care of himself," she snaps, "unlike you, and it's gonna be morning soon anyway.” she fibs. “If he's not here now he won't be 'til at least tomorrow, so come _on_. Gog dammit you're coming home with me if it's the _last thing I ever do._ ”

He complies with ill grace, looking a little calmer but still a little unhappy.

He huffs.

“Aight bro, as you say.”

She shoves him up the stairs and into the bathroom, bullying him out of his clothes and into the shower. She leaves him there and shooes Krabdad away from the door, giving him the boy's clothes for something to do. 

She gets her basket of seabugs and dumps them in a pot, pouring in some water, salt and herbs, turning on the hob. 

As that heats, she putters around, pulling out mismatched bowls and mugs, and rooting around the cupboard for things to snack on. She pulls out some nutbutter and grubloaf, making sandwiches with slices of banana.

She brings her guest one of her _really_ long pajama shirts to wear, wrinkling her nose a little, not sure how she feels seeing him in her sign. He doesn't even seem to notice, tugging it on, still flushed a little purple from the hot bath.

She seats him in her tall chair, shoving Speedrunner's over next to his and sitting down. It was a little lower than she liked, but needs must.

He practically inhales his nutbutter and banana sandwich, so she shoves hers at him and goes to check on the seabugs.

She pulls off the lid and eyes them, poking one with a spoon. Yeah, looks red enough.

She dumps them out into a strainer, dodging the backsplash and letting it drain a second, bringing it to the table. She also grabs the butter and puts it on the hob a minute, just until it goes bubbly and melty.

She brings it to the table and sets it down.

The boy reaches out and pokes one of the seabugs with his finger, flinching a little at the heat.

She puts the butter on the table, nearly spilling it as she shoves it closer to him.

She sits on her knees on the chair to reach, scooping a bug up from the pot with the spoon, blowing on it and shelling it into her bowl. She dips the tail in in the butter, stuffing it in her mouth. 

The boy watches her and carefully follows her lead.

She nodds to herself, privately satisfied.

They sit in a companionable silence, slurping up seabugs. The boy finally seems to be slowing, more nibbling than inhaling his food. 

The only indication that she gets is the boy suddenly freezing in place, eyes wide in instinctive fear. An odd sharp scent rises and she she whips around to look at the door.

Speedrunner looks nearly as startled as them, wide eyed and halfway through shrugging off his coat.

Karkat relaxes.

His eyes dart between the boy and her, then, assessing the situation, deliberately relaxes, putting out a little of that _calmsootheitsallokay_ scent he had once used to calm her from night terrors.

The boy, either due to her reaction or the pheramones, relaxes slightly, loosening the tight grip he had on the table in front of him, easing out of his instinctive hunch.

“So,” Speedrunner askes, deceptively soft. “Who is this?”

“Me and Krabdad found him” she states, turning back to the seabugs dismissively. 

He inhaled. “You… found him?”

“Mmhmm”. She says, mouth full. 

“Found him.” He repeated again, slumping a little.

“He was in my seabug spot,” she says, “he helped me catch some and he was cold so I brought him home.”

Speedrunner visibly tries not to whine in frustration.

“Where is his lusus?” he asks calmly, praying he wasn't about to have to fend off a territorial birdlusus or crocodile. He probably could but frankly he'd _really_ rather not.

“Off at sea somewhere,” she said and _aah, there is a god._

“I see.”

She sniffs primly. “His useless seagoat has been leaving him alone for days at a time and that's not good enough so he's going to be staying the day.”

The boy whines a little in his seat but doesn't otherwise protest.

Speedrunner eyes him, still a little twitchy and eyeballing him right back.

“Have you asked him his opinion on things?” He already knows the answer.

“He doesn't mind. Do you?” she asks, her expression clearly indicating that there was only **one** correct answer.

He startles at being addressed but shrugs a little.

She nods in satisfaction. 

Speedrunner sighs, dropping his head into one hand. He wasn't sure what he was expecting.

The diamond quadrant was always the first to rear it's ugly head..

“Do you even know his name?” he asks plaintively, rubbing his temples with his fingertips.

She turns back to the skittish boy and asks very seriously. “Hey what's your name?”

“Gamzee,”he says, still eyeing Speedrunner nervously.

“Gamzee,” he sighs, having lost all control of his life. “Right. Make sure to take him back tomorrow.”

Karkat ignores him, focusing on her seabugs. He gives up.

“Make sure you get him settled soon, your boy there looks like he's going to pass out.”

He reaches forward, snagging a handfull of seabugs from the strainer and pretending not to notice the boy's - Gamzee's - flinch.

He ruffles her hair as he walkes towards the stairs, also ignoring her threatening hiss. 

He nearly slips in a puddle in the middle of the floor and flails to keep his balance.

“You got water on the floor Karkles,” he says, dry.

“Suck my bulge,” she says disinterestedly, and then, almost as an afterthought, “and don't call me Karkles!”

He walks up to his room, passing the laundry room where the boys clothes were. He glances at the sign, generally disinterested. Indigo, good to know. The sign looked vaguely familiar but he put it out of his mind. If it was important it would come to him.

He goes through his morning routine, rinsing off the remnants of working with grubs, patches of puke, a tiny piece of shell in his hair and such, then slipped naked into his recuperacoon to rest.

He let his mind... drift.

.

.

.

.

.

.

. 

.

.

.  
He flies bolt upright, splashing sopor over the edge and into the carpet.

OhMyGodTheGrandHighblood.

_That little shrimp is another descendant!?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed I was hungry while writing this. 
> 
> "Seabugs" are "crayfish", basically tiny lobsters. Yum!


	4. Crush

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Speedrunner is just... so done.
> 
> So. Done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we meet kanaya!
> 
> For anon. You know who you are :) 
> 
> Let me know if you see any errors

===> Speedrunner: Freak Out

This. This could not be happening.

What the _fuck?_

The little capricorn had been one thing, but this was entirely another.

He tried to control his flailing, staring incredulously at the baby Dolorosa perched atop the virgin mothergrub like a tyrian atop her throne .

This was entirely enough and he was _not having it._

Nope, nuh uh, this was a very minor and embarrassing hallucination, he couldn't possibly be standing nearby to the descendent of one of the jadebloods most cherished idols, and OH FUCK THAT WAS THE DOLOROSAS DESCENDANT 

He tried not to hyperventilate, clutching his pendant through his shirt.

Once is chance, twice is coincidence, but three time was conspiracy.

He had no idea what the fuck was going on but what else was new? 

He brought his face under control with an iron will and settled, letting out a short burst of calming scent to hopefully smooth the way of this train wreck of a situation. This was entirely stupid and a terrible idea and he should just walk away and _oh god he was right in front of her_. When did that happen?

They were staring at him. He hoped his deer in the headlights expression wasn't showing, but he kind of doubted that if her bemused look was any indication. Fantastic.

He coughed slightly, forcing himself to relax. Wrigglers, he could do wrigglers. Besides that, she was a jadebloods and there was a natural lack of aggression within their bloodcaste, the natural calm cultivated from generations spent corraling skittish wrigglers. She was likely even less scared of him than he was her. 

And he wasn't scared- really!-only frazzled, his surprise leaving him jittery and unsettled. Long, _long_ years of dealing with Karkat, and more recently her little palemate gave him plenty of experience with juveniles, not counting to mentorship of the rare premoult adult he had helped settle into the caverns.

Now more suitably calm, he smiled at the visiting adolescent, then turned to the mothergrub to try and hide his reaction.

“Hello again Mirana,” he said, offering his hand to sniff. She did, then nuzzled his hand and buzzed cheerfully in greeting.

“Apologies young one,” he addressed to descendent. “I was one of mirana's caretakers before she left. It's very good to see her well, and thank you for taking good care of her.”

She blinked and smiled, a shy little showing of teeth.

She had likely visited reasonably often, the instincts of her lusus making her want to return every perigee for food and to be surrounded by wrigglers. Her instincts had to be good, strong enough as they were to go and claim a favourite and run off with it rather that stay and have to have let them go.

“It is good to see she was in such good hands, Mirana you called her?”

He hummed in agreement, nodding again.

“That's what we called her, it was the name of the supervisor's miorail at the time, so he named her before sending her off to the caretakers.”

She bobbed her head in understanding.

There was an awkward silence. He broke it.

“Has she given you much trouble,” he asked, “I remember her being a bit of a handful.”

The mothergrub gave a little puff of smugness at the comment. She had been hadn't she.

The girl made a face, sagging on her perch to lay nearly flat on her front.

“She hardly let's me leave the hive,” she complains, pouting a little. “And the times she does it's to come here and I have to go with her!”

He hid a startled little smile behind his hand. Adolescents really _are_ all the same.

He coughed to cover a snort.

She squinted down at him.

“You're laughing at me.” She realized, offended.

He shook his head, no longer hiding his grin. “No, no, not at you sugargrub, i just realized how simmilar you are to someone i know.” 

She huffed, looking mollified.

He glanced around, there were no other adults here, on break or tending the eggs wirh the mothergrubs. He saw an opportunity, weighed his chances, and took it.

“Perhaps you would like to meet her? Her name is karkat, she's about your age.”

She cocked her head, curious but frowning again. 

“Mother would never let me.”

He waved it off, smiling brightly. 

“It'll be fine, I'll be there to help you handle her, and our lusus is jadeblooded too so there probably won't be any trouble.”

“Ours?” she asked, confused.

He flushed slightly at the slip, but nodded.

“My lusus likes grubs enough he wanted a second one, so he got Karkat, my… ward? I guess? She's the one you'd be meeting.”

She looked intrieged.

“Is that... common? Taking a second grub when already caring for one?”

He shook his head, rueful.

“I've never heard of it happening before, no.”

She nodded decisively, a determined look on her face.

“I will meet with her.” She stated firmly.

He was releaved dispite himself, and patted Mirana lightly.

“You hear that brat? Your grub is going to meet her and that's final.”

She buzzed in dissatisfaction, but subsided.

The girl looked on in awe.

“how do you do that,” she begged, pushing herself up with her hands. “I can't get her to do anything!”

He laughed a little, patting the lusus again.

“You just need to be firm with her. She's a huge and wilful brat when she wants to be, but she'll usually cooperate if she knows you're serious. Just remember to pick your battles, and it's all good.”

He was slightly uncomfortable with the awed expression on her face, the glee, but ignored it for the sake of bringing her to Karkat.

“come on then,” he said, beckoning them on towards the entrance.

She startled a little

“What, now? But we'll fry!”

He glanced back at her in surprise, nearly tripping. Then he grinned.

“oh little bug, have I got something to show you.”  
  
  
  


The little Dolorosa was wide eyed and delighted by the spray of color around her, warm colors intensified in the late afternoon light.

She had long since slid off of the perch on her lusus, nearly dancing as she spun and darted around, stopping very few feet to look at a new flower or sparkly something. She had already run out of places for things in her pockets, one flower stuffed into her hair and bits of grass littering her from her exploring. 

He didn't mind the slow pace, finding her glee oddly endearing. For all she was such an oddly calm and graceful being she was still a child.

She had come back into herself briefly once, apologising hurriedly for the delay and he had simply waved her off, smiling indulgently and telling her there was no hurry.

She seemed to have taken that at face value and payed him no further mind as she observed the daylight world for the first time.

He was a little releaved she seemed unafraid of him, easily brushing past the instinctual fear of adults all post pupation trolls had, that even Karkat had struggled with for the first perigee or so, dispute familiarity from pre pupation.

This spoke of great strength of will or big brass ones, possibly both, possibly combined with a bit of exposure in the hatching grounds.

He digressed. 

However it came about it was extremely fortunate, being much easier to get her to come home with him, no matter what it said about her continued safety. Assuming she took to Karkat, he would ensure she was strong enough to survive.

He needn't have worried, the two of them took to eschother like a hive on fire. 

Within minutes of introduction karkat had swept in and hustled the other girl off on a tour of the hive, chattering about the weather and romance novels and complaining about overbearing gardians.

If he didn't know better he would have called it truely serendipitous. However thinking about made him think moirails, and no, he was not going there, he had enough on his plate dealing with the little indigo without thinking about the possible implications of the possible quadrant smearing shenanigans, and honestly as long as it stayed firmly in the pale quadrant it wasn't his problem.

He ignored the tiny voice in his head sobbing about how the signless had been rumoured to have pale feelings for literally the entire empire and had more than three potential moirails when he died.

He sat at the table drinking his coffee, pointedly and deliberately ignoring the nearly obscene pale... _thing_ going on in the living room as both girls cuddled around the sniffling boy, curled up together on the pile of couch cushions and _maybe he should make himself scarce._

He rose to his feet, rinsed out his mug and calmly, serenely, not looking anywhere but in front of him, walked up the stairs.

Not my problem, not my problem, he chanted to himself. He heard someone start crooning behind him.

He hurried a little faster.

_Not my problem._

So Karkat was maybe, possibly, a little platonically in love with Kanaya Maryam.

Who could blame her? The girl practically _oozed_ poise, listening to her ramble, asking smart questions and not getting bored of her chattering about her favourite novels. _Smiling_ at her and gamzee, letting out pleasant little puffs of scent whenever they bumped, even letting karkat pull her around by the hand, not even tripping when karkat forgot to warn her about the trick step even Speedrunner fell on sometime and just, just, _uuugh._

When karkat had sputtered out rushed apologies and she just smiled a little flash of teeth and squeezed her hand. 

“it's just fine,” she said brightly.

Karkat felt the tips of her ears warm. Hopefully she wasn't getting sick, she'd hate to give something to the lovely jade in front of her. Speedrunner could go suck a dick but she liked this new friend of hers and wanted to make a good impression.

They ended up settled in the living room playing video games in the big beanbag, munching on snacks brought in by Kanaya’s very strong lusus while Krabdad, cowed, hovered a little anxiously in the background.

It turned out neither of her new friends had ever played Mario cart before, which was a travesty and not to be accepted, so they played multiplayer. While kanaya was somehow amazingly good, gamzee kind of sucked, like, a lot, and got frustrated after the fourth race at the bottom of th rankings, sniffling and looking like a sad barkbeast.

They traded slightly panicked looks over the tiny boy's tears and rushed to assure him it was fine, he just needed a little practice!

He nodded but still looked hearybreakingly sad so she cooed a little, like Krabdad did trying to soothe her from a dayterror.

He settled, and they moved on to PvP wrestling game he proceeded to kick there butts in. (They both pretended not to have been lost on purpose, sharing a pleased look over his head at his restored good humour.)

They continued in this vein for hours, eventually leaving a sleeping gamzee in the pile and moving to the kitchen so they wouldn't disturb him. They made hot chocolate and talked until both of them were swaying and blinking back sleep.

They had so much fun in fact, that Karkat had nearly shed tears herself when Kanaya had to leave. There was no spare recuperacoon and Krabdad was getting antsy, or she would have begged her to stay. 

She stood by the door, sniffling though her demand for her to remember to chat, having exchanged trollian handles earlier that morning. Not unruffled herself, Kanaya had pulled Karkat into a hug and nuzzled her hair, promising to do so.

(Speedrunner was curiously absent, hadn't he been here a second ago? Such a weirdo.)

She waved goodbye, hollering for her to have a safe trip. She waved back, looking over her shoulder as she was tugged along by her lusus.

She watched until she was long gone, then closed the door and scared Speedrunner very much by bursting into tears. She kicked him in the shins when he hovered nervously over her and escaped to her room.


	5. Solluxander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux catches feelings and Speedrunner looses his shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sollux! Also Speedrunner earns his "zero chill" moniker in an epic way so fair warning.
> 
> Time-line is a little awkward this chapter so pardon that. 
> 
> Some sollux pov in the middle, that was fun! 
> 
> Please point out any mistakes.

Over the next few paragees she and Kanaya kept up frequent chatter, her being the only friend she had other than Gamzee. 

She was perhaps somewhat irrationally clingy, but Kanaya didn't seem to mind over much, listening to her share her often boring daily exploits while Karkat eagerly drank in anything the other girl chose to share about her own hobbies and frustrations.

They comiserated over schoolfeeding and laughed at the antics of each others lusii, settling into an easy rhythm. Life was good.

This rythem was interrupted by the sudden introduction of a new addition to her limited social circle.

Speedrunner had been nudging her with increasing insistence toward coding, one online chat room in particular. She had finally acquiesced with an irritable huff, just to shut him up. 

She found it actually somewhat interesting, if a little dry, and turned to the chat room for clarity whenever she had too much of a problem with some her projects. 

She ended up chatting with a moderator, an epic _shitlord_ named twinArmageddons, who's sense of humour and snarky attitude appealed to her. 

Despite his headache inducing typing quirk, he was fun to chat with; soon he introduced himself as Sollux Captor, and they settled into a comfortable dynamic.

With sollux came Aradia, and with Aradia came _Terezi_ and _Vriska_ and _Tavros_ , and soon she had more friends then she knew what to do with, her chumroll a perfect rainbow of color.

Speedrunner nearly had a _fit_ when he saw a fusha name on her chumroll, expaining that fusha was extremely rare and excusing himself to his room to have hysterics in privacy, as if she didn't know or something. 

This was not unusual for him, so she put it out of her mind for the moment.

. 

He had first noticed the troll on an ATH~ discussion board. 

Someone was talking about tying a line of code to the writer's lifespan to create a revenge code, and how to identify “the attacker” more specifically thsn simply someone within a certain distance. 

The heamoanon had been wrathfully schoolfeeding the idiot who started the thread, explaining how simply affecting people by "distance from your dead body" was stupid, and _what if your attacker moved off, and what if your moirail came to mourn over your body? Or maybe your kismesis comes to laugh at your corpse? what then bulgesucker?_

Sollux would have likely contacted them anyway out of curiosity, heamoanon being pretty rare these days, but upon witnessing the engagement they had proven so _thoroughly_ entertaining that sollux needed no encouragement. 

He considered asking him about it, but genuinely enjoyed their chats enough he didn't want to accidentally drive him off by offending him.

Beyond coding, they talked about movies and science, gossip about celebrities and anything else that came to mind. 

While coding would always be his one true love, he'd happily trade some of his time chatting with them.

Maybe it was because he'd discovered them during an upswing, but now whenever he thought of the other troll he felt a little warm inside, different warm to how he had felt about Aradia and the scourge sisters but similar enough he wasn't too worried. 

It was like a pull, a bond pulling them all together.

Either way he wouldn't trade it for anything.

With the exception of Aradia he usually avoided sharing his personal details with anyone he had met online and usually expected the same in return.

the other surprised him by responding back with his own name, karkat, and a little later, the open invitation to visit for a day. 

He surprised himself even more by accepting.

They met in a public arcade, knowing from conversation that they both loved games and having heard that this arcade was going to have a new game they both wanted to see.

It didn't, but he couldn't really find it in himself to care.

Karkat Vantas was definitely the most amazing being in existence. They (he? She? Meh, he'd just stay neutral til he figured it out.) were somehow just as beautiful on the outside as they were behind the keyboard. 

They had locked eyes, and a bright toothy grin had risen to their face, shading it with glee.

“Sollux!” they chirruped, gleeful. “it's good to meet you in person! Love your glasses.”

He smiled, a little startled, accidentally flashing his mess of double teeth. 

“It'th good to thee you, karkat,” he said awkwardly, bracing for a weird reaction to the lisp. She didn't even seem to notice.

She grabbed him by the hand and dragged him off towards the doors. He blushed a bit, ears going faintly gold. _That's a bit bold_ , he thought, _isn't it?_

Her hand felt... Nice. Warm. Touch was rare enough in trolls their age he had thought, having only really been touched his lusus when he was small, or the rare time by Aradia when he passed her tools in a dig. This open handholding was… new. Nice.

He shifted his grip to hold it a little firmer, and they(she, Maybe?) smiled back at him. They started chattering about a dance game they wanted to try, _c'mon c'mon, I've never had anyone to play it with._

It was some kind of competitive dancing game. He sucked at it, dependence on psionics leading to an awful decrease in physical skills. He cheated shamelessly, poking the other with his fingers and using his psionics to push their buttons while the both of them laughed hysterically.

They bought grubcorn and cotton candy and giggled, chasing each other in a sugar rush. Sollux stole Karkat a crab plushie out of the claw machine and Karkat kicked an older boy who tried to steal Sollux's glasses.

For all he hadn't been sure about the whole situation in the first place, he had had what was probably too much fun.

They said reluctant goodbye, karkat giving him a quick hug and ran off as he melted into a puddle of slime on the floor.

He sat through the whole ride back to his hive floating and sparking in his seat.

He was in love.

Speedrunner flailed hysterically in his room, glad karkat, the only one who might be able to see, was out of the house. He could retain a portion of his dignity, if not his poise.

There was a _fusha blooded_ troll on Karkat's chumroll. A fusha bearing _the Condesce's sign._ This was a disaster of unmitigated proportions. What the _crotch blistering fuck_ was he supposed to do now? 

He was lucky enough he had been able to convince her to keep her typing to the heamoanon grey, otherwise the game would already be up. It was one of the rare few arguments with her he had ever won. 

He would have to have a talk with her, convince her to keep it that way because what if the heiress found out? Drones would be dispatched and karkat would be on the end of a culling fork within the hour.

She was already courting disaster with the friends she had, because while Gamzee was a dope and too loyal by far, and there was clearly something going on with her and kanaya, the psionic's descendent seemed incredibly sharp, and really, _what if they found out?_

He sat with his head cradled in his hands, almost pulling his hair from the root from sheer stress.

He _knew_ karkat, and knew any attempt to keep her from any of her friends would only make her cling to them, ornery to the max. 

She was too stubborn by far, a trait that had once let her ancestor wage war against the empire, argue hundreds to a standstill, and eventually, lead to his own demise. 

He forced down a squeeze of tears, barring his teeth at the world.

He had gotten far, far too attached to the girl, acting nearly like a second lusii, the instinct having grabbed him by the horns and left him _gasping_.

He couldn't lose her. 

Just the _thought_ of such an occurance was enough to make him lose the battle, burying his face in his knees and staining his pants green as he huddled further into the side of the recuperacoon.

He had know when he took her, known when he stayed with her instead of just leaving her with Krabdad that she would ruin him someday. Break his heart, die, leave him. He just hadn't thought it might be so soon.

No.

It wasn't over, and he wasn't going to give up. He couldn't make her give up on her friends or hide her from the world, she would only suffocate and hate him for it. He could only give her the tools needed to survive.

And if the drones came?

He could only die fighting, knowing he had given her the best possible chance of survival.

Because _god help him_ if he had to watch her die in irons like the Dolorosa's son. He _refused._

He hauled himself to his feet with the edge of the coon, breath still hitching.

He'd get stronger, get _her_ stronger, if it was _the last goddamn thing he did._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone is curious, the chapter title comes from a tweet I read where someone asked hussie if any of the characters names were short for something, listing several examples including that, and hussie said "no they're not except for that last one, sollux is totally short for solluxander"


	6. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unspecified revenge shenanigans, and a budding matespritship.
> 
> Karkat is pissed, Speedrunner jumps to conclusions, Aradia is dead, Sollux is ~~more than~~ a little in love.
> 
> Kanaya continues to be _really fucking amazing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I learned *coding* for this mf, I spent hours tweaking it so _praise me._
> 
> Warning for the use of polyamoury in the context of pale relationships.

Karkat is furious.

She had never liked how so many of her friends were into hardcore FLARPing. There was always a high chance of another team going and killing some of her few close allies, her friends. She had tolerated it, knowing nothing she said would dissuade any of them. 

This though...

This was unacceptable.

Vriska went _too far,_ paralyzing tavros for her own amusement, looting his body and starting a feud. Now terezi is blind, Aradia is dead, and sollux is inconsolable, and- 

No.

Nope. 

Not. Acceptable. 

This fight had gone on far long enough. Vriska had started it, and _she_ was going to finish it.

===> Karkat: Finish It

Psych!   


===> Karkat: Be Future Karkat

Karkat scowled at the monitor in front of her, frustrated.

Sollux was in a downswing again, spouting nihilism and prophesies of doom and frankly she was **done with it**.

It had been months since the death of Aradia, and she had been annoyingly useless and criptic. She had appropriately forgiven the mind controlled troll but had apparently avoided either helping him or breaking it off with him. His wellbeing had continually decayed without her help, and it was getting worrisome.

Something had to change. Karkat couldn't care less how but, but this awful limbo wasnt helping anyone and she really really missed her friend and coding buddy. He hadn't even threatened to blow up her computer in the 3 perigees since the incident.

His “Viisiion twofold” was a pain and a half to everyone involved, and the migranes had reappeared along with the infuriating babble.

If she didn't know better, she'd wonder if Aradia wasn't doing it on purpose. Even dead though, she didn't think the previously bubbly girl had that kind of pettiness in her. Although, she thought ruefully, she had changed. She was colder, more bitter. 

She frowned, pursing her lips. If the other troll was purposefully messing with her friend she and her would have _words._

She opened pesterchum, and began pestering Aradia.  
  


carcinoGeneticist (CG) has started pestering apocalypseArisen (AA)  
  
CG: HEY ARADIA, I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU, WHAT THE FUCK?  
AA: what d0 y0u mean, is s0mething wr0ng?  
CG: YEAH NO THAT'S HOOFBEAST SHIT AND YOU KNOW IT. YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT.  
CG: WHY ARNT YOU HELPING SOLLUX?  
AA: 0h, that.  
CG: YEAH “OH THAT”.  
CG: ALSO WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN, “OH THAT”? HE'S SWINGING, SWINGING HARD, AND THAT'S YOUR ONLY RESPONCE?  
CG: WHY THE FUCK ARNT YOU ALL OVER THAT?  
CG: THAT'S, LIKE, *LITERALLY* YOUR WHOLE JOB, IN CASE YOU HAD FORGOTTEN.  
AA: hmm.  
CG: “HMM”? “HMM” WHAT?  
AA: just hmm.  
CG: UGH, WHATEVER.  
CG: LOOK, ARE YOU GOING GO HELP HIM OR NOT?  
CG: YOUR MOIRAIL IS IN PAIN. REGARDLESS OF ANYTHING ELSE, WHY DON'T YOU CARE. WHY ARNT YOU AT LEAST TELLING HIM OFF FOR NOT TAKING CARE OF HIMSELF?  
AA: I can't.  
CG: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.  
CG: YOU CAN'T *WHAT*.  
AA: I can't care.  
AA: I'm n0t alive t0 care anym0re, karkat.  
CG: …I'M NOT SURE WHAT I WAS EXPECTING, BUT THAT WASN'T IT.  
CG: YOU AREN'T EVEN GOING TO TRY?  
AA: n0  
CG: WELL WHY THE FUCK NOT?!  
AA: It is n0t my place. N0t anym0re.  
CG: NOT YOUR PLACE? ARADIA YOU HAVE THE ONLY PLACE.  
CG: I CAN'T BELIEVE I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THIS TO YOU.  
CG: ARADIA, YOU ARE MOIRAILS.  
CG: AS LONG AS YOU ARE TOGETHER, YOU HAVE A *DUTY* TO EACH OTHER, TO HELP EACH OTHER. TO BOOST EACH OTHER, AND HELP EACH OTHER.  
AA: he hasn't really d0ne his part then, has he.  
CG: AH, NOW WE FOUND THE HEART OF THE ISSUE.  
CG: YOU WANT TO PUNISH HIM.  
CG: THAT IS NOT GOING TO FLY.  
CG: YOU DON'T HAVE TO FORGIVE HIM ARADIA, YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE TO LIKE HIM.  
CG: BUT IF YOU KEEP HIM LIKE THIS, TORMENT HIM AND KEEP HIM TRAPPED LIKE THIS…  
CG: THAT'S NOT MOIRAILSHIP, THAT'S *ABUSE*, AND THAT IS UNACCEPTABLE.  
CG: IT'S NOT MY BUSINESS, AND I AM NOT AUSPITIZING FOR YOU. BUT IF I HAVE TO, I'LL STEP IN.  
AA: 0kay then.  
  
apocalypseArisen has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  
  
CG: WAIT WHAT  
CG: ARADIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING  
  
apocalypseArisen has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist  
  
AA: he's all y0urs.  
  
apocalypseArisen has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  
  
CG: ARADIA WHAT DID YOU DO  
CG: ARADIA  
  
apocalypseArisen has blocked carcinoGeneticist  
  
CG: FUCK  
  
message blocked 

  
  


twinArmageddons has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist  
  
TA: ii  
TA: aradia she  
TA: karkat she broke up wiith me  
CG: FUCK  
CG: I'LL BE OVER IN 10 MINUTES.  
CG: DON'T YOU DARE DO ANYTHING STUPID  
  
carcinoGeneticist has ceased pestering twinArmagheddons  
  
TA: okay  


  
  


As soon as he opens the door she lunges forward, nearly strangling him with a hug. He was trembling the slightest bit, numb. He was so skinny he nearly hurt to hug, all sharp angles.

At her touch his face crumpled, his body (he was still taller than her, the dick) bent as if under a heavy weight, and he crumpled forward, burying his face into her neck and nearly collapsing on top of her.

He began to quietly keen.

She squeezed him tightly, careful not to hurt him with her seadweller strength. Not letting go, she carefully manhandled him inside, nearly dragging him as he sobbed.

She planted herself on his couch and dragged him into her lap.

She arranged him so he could hide his face in her stomach, remembering his migrane. He wrapped his skinny arms around her waist and began to cling like a leech. She reached behind her with one arm and fumbled for the soft blanket folded over the back. 

She surreptitiously sniffed it to be sure and- yeah good, it didn't smell like Aradia.

She draped it over his torso and head to create a dark cave, leaving his feet uncovered. She cursed herself for not turning off the lights.

She cradled him under the blankets, one hand hand carefully messaging his head, the other rubbing between his shoulder blades.

She hummed lowly, carefully not quite pale, but soothing none the less. 

She drew on the lessons Speedrunner had given her, focusing on forcing her glands to increase her _calmrelaxedhappy_ and _itsallokayouaresafe_ pheromones. 

Thank God for Speedrunner and his truly rediculous standards of preparedness. She'd have to make him dinner or something.

He slowly, very slowly, _relaxed_ under her hands, ear pressed to her abdomen to listen to her subvocal purr. He fell asleep that way, still hiccuping and leaving red and blue tear stains on her fluffy sweater. He goes still in exhausted sleep.

She gently combs his hair with her claws as he sleeps, heart melting, finally relaxing herself.

Poor sugargrub probably hadn't slept since the start of the downswing, he must be deathly tired.

She carefully extracted her phone from her pants pocket with one hand and opened pesterchum.

CarcinoGeneticist began pestering exhaustedAwake  
  
CG: JUST LETTING YOU KNOW BEFORE YOU PANIC, I WON'T BE HOME WHEN YOU GET IN  
CG: SOLLUX'S MOIRAIL BROKE UP WITH HIM SUPER HARD AND I'M AT HIS HIVE MAKING SURE HE DOESN'T DO SOMETHING SUPER STUPID LIKE FUCKING DIE  
EA: đo whāt yoū nēēd to đo  
EA: đo yoū nēēđ mē to brīng yoū āny thīng  
CG: BEST IF YOU DON'T GET SPOTTED, CYCLOPSDAD STILL HASN'T FORGIVEN YOU. IF YOU WANTED TO BRING US FOOD AND PJS THAT'D BE GOOD THOUGH.  
EA: īll đrop ā bāg throūgh thē wīndow  
EA: good lūck  
  
exaustedAwake has stopped pestering CarcinoGeneticist  


She squinted at the window with suspicion. That had been suspiciously easy. He had such a hard on for keeping her safe, despite being such a pushover for everything else. Either he trusted her to protect herself (unlikely), trusted sollux to protect her (even less likely) or he was going to skive of his duties and hover just outside the hive until she left.

Yeah, that was probably it.

She sighed, and gave up. It was not worth the stress of worry, and when Speedrunner got a bug up his ass about something it was really not worth the tediousness of dissuading him.

~~She ignored the small kernel of warmth over his worry. He was completely ridiculous sometimes, but it was nice to know she could depend on her crew. She loved him so much, even when he was being stupid.~~

It wasn't much later that a window by the door slowly pushed open and there was a soft thump as a bag was lowered to the ground. Her head had shot up at the sound, nostrils flaring as she tried to scent a threat.

She relaxed immediately as she scented Speedrunner, seeing his green clad arm retreating back out the window.

“Thanks,” she whispered loudly, and his hand popped back in to give her a thumbs up.

She heard the faintest rustle of grass as he closed the window, moving off.

Dialing up her hearing she listened closer to his footsteps, smiling a little absently. She heard him stop a little ways away and say something quietly. There was a soft click-hiss reply.

She blinked in surprise.

He had brought crabdad, why had he- oh.

She rolled her eyes and relaxed back into the couch. He had brought Crab dad here to watch out for her and help her take care of sollux. He was _such_ a lusus.

Despite herself, she felt a small pang of relief. Crabdad would keep them safe, letting Karkat focus on Sollux. He could handle Cyclopsdad and protect the hive while she was distracted.

She snuggled into the cushions and went to sleep. 

  
  


Later, when they were both awake, she shoved sollux into the shower, with orders to _get clean or I'll do it for you, don't try me Captor._

Knowing he wouldn't have anything warm enough to change into, she went to the bag Speedrunner had left for her, pulling out one of her own fluffy tops. The dumbass didn't believe in comfort apparently, and he was so bony and small he wouldn't be able to keep up a proper temperature like this, hands cold even to her seadweller skin. 

She wouldn't have cared that much normally but frankly she wasn't going to let so much as a token inconvenience touch him for the next three days.

Losing quadrants could be traumatic regardless, and with how much of a mess he was normally, she didn't want him to get sick and go into shock. So, sweaters it is.

When he was stable she was going to go kick aradia’s undead ass. 

While she was there she checked out what else he had left her, spying a few containers of food and a little packet. She opened it, looking inside. There were a bunch of adult strength sopor patches and a short note.

_Congrats on your new moirail sugargrub!_ It said.

She stared in incomprehension.

She placed the patches gently back in the bag.

She slowly sat down and put her head between her knees.

She silently began to hyperventilate. 

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit_

Was Speedrunner right? Was this pale? Was this cheating on kanaya? _Oh shit kanaya-_

Kanaya was going to kill her.

  
  


Kanaya did not kill her. In fact, while she didn't seem especially thrilled, she didn't seem distressed at all. She seemed… nearly amused, sipping her tea from the video chat window on Karkat's grubtop.

As soon as she had realized what Speedrunner meant, Karkat had run to Kanaya in a panic. She had blurted out the situation as it was, frantically apologising, nearly in tears.

Kanaya had taken in the situation, rolled her eyes and told her to sit her ass down and shoosh.

Karkat sat her ass down and shooshed.

“This isn't moirailegience, Karkat,” she said from the screen window, swirling her tea with one hand.

“This is just being a good friend. Until you discuss the situation with sollux, it's nothing, and you can calm right down. Besides, even if it was, I would understand.”

“I, you would?” she asked, mystified.

Kanaya inclined her head gracefully, lowering her cup into her saucer.

“Quite. You have always been emotionally mature, I believe it comes from growing up in a household with a fully matured troll. You have a lot of love to give, and I have always thought to myself that you got a little pale with everyone in your Crew.”

She leaned forward, smiling slightly.

“That doesn't mean you love me any less, and indeed only enriches the depth of your love. I want you to be happy, and I don't think you would be happy confined to a single moirail.”

Karkat sniffles a little, tearing up.

“Kanaya, do you mean to say-” She pauses, uncertain. It doesnt seem to confuse Kanaya. She hums a little, laughter in her eyes.

“You have my permission. Take good care of him darling.”

Karkat blows out a gust of air, slumping. “Oh my god you angel, what on Alternia did I do to deserve you?”

Kanaya laughed and closed the chat without saying goodbye.

Karkat took the hint and went to bring Sollux the clothes she had been distracted from. She needed to make sure he was okay, he had been in the shower a suspiciously long time after all.

  
  


She ends up making good on her threat, gently but thoroughly scrubbing him, giving him a little head massage while washing his hair just because she felt like it. She dragged him out and bundled him up in her sweater and his blankets until he resembled a bony little troll burrito.

She fed him some of the soup and stir fry included in the care package, eventually settling with him squished again to her chest while they watched a movie.

Every time he seemed to be sinking back into melancholy she would poke him insistently and bully him into retrieving things for her with his psionics. They were only simple tasks, getting her water from the tap or popping more popcorn or switching the movie, and he complied with only token snark.

The longer she sat with him, throwing popcorn, poking fun at him and watching as he puffed up in offence, the more she realized her two favourite jadebloods may have had a point. Just like, a little one.

She had caught terrible feelings for this dweeb, pale yes, but maybe a little red too? 

The fact that he was even letting her bully him was also pretty significant. She watched him smile tremulously and cling to her and thought… maybe he likes her back?

  
  


It was official, Sollux Captor was _ass over tea kettle_ for Karkat Vantas.

He had asked for her, diamond broken and listless and she had responded instantly, swooping in like a tiny angry tornado, anchoring him in the present, keeping him from being swept away by the despair, from the shock flooding his diamond.

The breakup wasn't unexpected if he was honest with himself. He'd seen it coming since that bitch Vriska had used him to kill her, since he had awakened in the ruins of her hive, slumped over her body.

It still hurt.

She had been the anchor he clung to, the only quadrant he had had to funnel his manic energy and affectionate tendencies into.

Karkat had neatly stepped into the void she had left, positively, even enthusiastically insisting on caring for and about him.

If he had thought he was in love with her when they were both five years old, it was nothing to his feelings _now_.

_He was like imperial red splashed onto snow, rubies and diamonds and pacperadashias spilling out of him for her. He wished he had the energy to shower her in red roses and white daisies and Shiny bits of circuitry. He'd feed he sugar sweets and sour apples and fresh hot chocolate. He spent his energy doing what she asked with only token complaints._

He thought maybe the sopor patches were making him loopy.

He breathed her in and closed his eyes, knowing he would be safe as long as she was there. The horrorterrors couldn't possibly touch him when he was with her.

He slept, and dreamt only of her soft eyes and sharp grin, face shining in the darkness.

  
  


Karkat logged onto pesterchum later, after sollux fell asleep and found a message waiting for her.

grimAuxilatrix (GA) began pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)  
  
GA: My Palest One, I Love You More Than Existance.  
GA: As Long As You Never Lose Sight Of Me, Love Me And Let Me Cherish You  
GA You Have My Blanket Permission To Do Whatever You Like  
GA: Go Nuts <>  
  
grimAuxilatrix (GA) ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)  
  


_Gods all bless_ Kanaya Maryam

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in time for Christmas! Let me know if I fucked up anywhere and happy holidays for all!
> 
> I honestly don't see this karkat staying out of the whole revenge cycle, but didn't go into any detail on how she dealt with the situation. I'll probably post a one shot later going into it more. 
> 
> Just know she completely finished it and vriska is alive if not entirely whole and is "both terrified and aroused"


	7. Hysteria

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Speedrunner implements his plans and misunderstandings abound.
> 
> Gamzee isn't as stupid as he seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not super satisfied with this chapter but I don't have the energy to rewrite so like, *shrug*
> 
> Mentions of suicide, unhealthy binding practices, unreliable narrator.

“It's time we had a talk, karkat.” Speedrunner said, hovering in the entrance to her bedroom.

“Whatever is is I didn't do it,” she barked reflexively at his tone, abruptly dropping her book into her lap.

He looked unusually serious, a strange blank expression on his face as he stared at her.

He didn't laugh at the quip as intended, smiling briefly before focusing again.

His focus was razor sharp and dispite herself she found herself unsettled, shifting back an forth a little on her pile. Her fingers fidgeted against the book's spine. 

She met his eyes for a long moment, then he blinked, breaking the connection and gestured for her to follow him.

“Come on,” he said. “There's things we need to talk about.”

He turned and walked out.

She hesitantly got up and caught up with him, following closely behind him. She brushed against him a little and he reached out and squeezed her shoulder lightly.

He lead her to the kitchen table where an unmarked paper bag lay and gestured for her to sit.

She sat, looking over at the table at him, for once patiently waiting.

He cleared his throat.

“Karkat,” he started, then stopped, hesitating.

He started again. “I know I doesn't allways seem like it but I care for you dearly. That's why I hope you might forgive me for what needs to happen now.”

She leaned forward, furrowing her eyebrows in concern.

“Dad what-”

He held up a hand.

“Your getting older karkat, and with that comes a lot of changes and quite a lot of personal danger.”

She flinched back in her chair, her face a mask of growing horror. _was he talking about what she thought he was talking about?_

Seeing her expression and completely ignoring it, he tapped on the bag in front of him as he spoke.

“You are reaching the age where you start going out and making friends and finding quadrants, and I'm not going to stop you, Messias know I couldnt if I tried.”

Her mouth fell open and she rushed to cut him off “Oh god is this a sex thing, I don't need to talk about this with you I'm fine with my schoolfeedings-”

“Karkat,” he barked, interupting her back. “Will you please focus? This is important.”

He mase a noise of frustration. He pushed the paper bag at her, rubbing at his temples tiredly

She reluctantly reached for it, pulling out an odd tubular skin colored garment, and a little jar. She set the jar aside in favour of the much more interesting strange garment.

“What the fuck is this?” karkat asked, staring down at the bundle of cloth. It looked like a wide skin colored rubber band or tube top, only very mildly stretchy like a wetsuit, with dozens of rows of tiny hooks and loops to change the size. She frowned at it with suspicion.

“It's a binder and you'll wear it karkat.” He informed her, rocking forward, putting his chin on his closed fist and watching her. 

“A binder?” she asked bemusedly. “binding what? What's it for?”

He tapped his own chest with a clawtip.

“It'll help seal your gillslits,” he said, “keep your new friends from seeing them.”

Then he grimaced uncomfortably, looking almost embarrassed.

“It will also help you control your heftsacks, when you get them.”

She squaked, dropping the garment like it was poisonous. Her face flushed brightly.

“What the FUCK old man?!”

She pushed it away from her, and he pushed it back, firmly.

“You don't have to like it karkat, you just have to wear it. Much as I wish I could I can't just keep you locked away, you do need more than me and Krabdad. So, you need to learn how to hide your differences.” 

She gives up on pushing away the garment but refuses to further touch it, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

“Why the actual fuck do I have to hide? There's nothing wrong with me. As you've said, like, a million times.”

“Just because I know that and you know that doesn't mean everyone else will believe it. Mutants are _illegal_ , and the _second_ someone reports you to the empress you will be culled, do you understand? That cannot be allowed to happen.”

She bares her teeth in annoyance.

“Kanaya and Gamzee won't tell on me, I don't care if they know!”

He shook his head tensely, pursing his lips.

“You can't know that for sure karkat, you can never know how someone will react until they're face with the truth. But it's not them I'm really worried about, what about when you meet others? What about people you meet in the market, or online? What if you hurt yourself and they see your blood? I'm not risking your safety.”

She crossed her arms, rolling her eyes. "Fucks sake Speedrunner, it's not such a big deal, so what if I'm found out? If I die, I die. We all die someday," and then accusingly, "what do you even care, I'm not one of your quadrants.”

She startled back from his furious snarl. He slammed his hands into the table, and half stood, looming over her.

“Don't you _dare_ question my devotion. I have cared for you since the day you crawled bright red out of the shell, I _fed_ you, I _cared_ for you, I _shared my lusus with you,_ so don't you dare think for a second that I care any less about than I do my potential quadrants. I may not be your lusus but you have _always_ been _my grub_. Question my methods, my morals, my strength, but don't you _dare_ suggest I don't care. _I love you you little shit and if you died I wouldn't even wait for your body to cool, I would avenge you and then die myself.”_

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and regaining a little of his faux calm. He exhaled.

“If the drones came for you I would fight to my last, but that doesn't mean I can afford to dangle you out in the open. _So you wear the fucking binder._ ”

He opened his eyes and looked at her, cowering wide eyed in her chair, pressed back and stunned silent.

He sighed, all ire draining out of him. 

Aw hell, he'd scared her. He forgot sometimes that she was still so young, still brash and smug and too weak to back up her threats. This whole debacle just served as a reminder.

“My apologies,” he sighed quietly. “I shouldn't have lost my temper.”

He paused, and when she remained where she was, continued.

“I may have had other reasons when I first took you, but I have grown to care about you deeply. It is said that jadebloods are the lusii of the troll race, we care fully and eternally, and if we are truly stupid enough to raise a grub from childhood we can lose ourselves. It is said to be a throwback to the time of the Dolorosa and her mutantblooded son.”

As he spoke Karkat eased back into her seat properly, still tense and weary, but way less shybeast in the headlights. 

She cocked her head a little at the mention of another blood mutant. She didn't ask, but he caught the movement, and nodded.

“I suppose I never did tell you the story of The Sufferer, did I?”

She shook her head.

He sighed, slumping back into the chair, and closing his eyes again to focus.

He began to recite.

“Many years ago, when there still were adults on Alternia, there lived a jadebloodied girl working within the brooding caverns. 

"She was content enough, good at her job and obedient, but bored in her work. She was to sort through the living grubs, sorting out unsatisfactory or undesirable grubs to be culled.

“While about her work one day, she spotted a flash of red amongst the fresh hatchlings, a little grub still wet from the egg. 

"She was fascinated, and on a whim, hid him in her quarters. She had never seen such a brightly coloured grub, and thought perhaps to keep him til he was a little bigger and have him made into paint. This was where she made her fatal mistake.

“As the days went on and he came closer and closer to his first molt, she became attached, first mildly affectionate, then more seriously protective. Without realizing, she had become the grubs lusus, and our oldest instinct took hold. He spun his coon above her pile, and began his change.

“She became fearful of discovery, worried about the grub, and knowing she would have to move him as soon as he hatched or risk his wandering out and being discovered. She planned and plotted, and three weeks later when he hatched, he fell into her arms. 

“She bound him tightly to her front with a scarf, covered him in suncloth, and ran out into the day.

“Her next years were spent moving from shelter to shelter, foraging food and whenever they were discovered, she would again swaddle him again and run.

“They lived among lowbloods and midbloods, saw how they were treated, how he was treated, and he despaired for his fellow troll. 

"Along the way he found friends, an olive blooded catgirl and a yellowblooded psionic, who would become his matesprit and moirails, as well as many others.

"He began to dream of an Alternia of equals, where lowbloods and highbloods and mutants could walk together without fear. He began preaching to the people he passed in his travels. He soon amassed a great following

"Word reached the empress of these treasonous ideas, and she set out to end it. She had him hunted, and eventually he was taken.

"His hands were bound in glowing hot iron, and he stood on trial.

"He was executed and his body burned, all in front of matesprit, moirail, and mother, and none could save him.

"His moirail was taken away, taken for helmsman to the empress’s own battleship. His matesprit escaped in her pain and spread his teachings for the rest of her life.

"His mother, the Doloresa, shattered to pieces, and fell into a bloodrage. She could not be calmed, could not be restrained. She broke free and attacked her guards, trying to avenge her Son.

"She was cut down where she stood, died, then rose again to do her bloody work. When every last person there had been killed or run, she fell to her knees in the ashes of her son and wept.

"And this is why jadebloods do not take grubs.”

Tale done, he opened his eyes to look at her.

“He was once called The Signless, for he never went through the trials to earn his sign. After his death, his shackles were allowed to cool and taken as a symbol of his teachings and of his rebellion.”

He pulled his Sufferist pendant from his shirt, showing it to her. Karkat gingerly touched the symbol on her chest.

He nodded. 

“He was redblooded like you. You are very likely his descendent.”

He placed it carefully back under his shirt.

“After his execution he was called The Sufferer, for the pain he went through for his beliefs.”

He smiles sadly.

“He never hated them for it. To the end, he went down preaching equality. He was like you i think, his pale affections were said to spill over to everyone he knew. It is said he was pale for half of Alternia by the end of it.”

He ignored her flushed and embarrassed expression, ploughing on.

“This is why you must hide, karkat. Even if some mutations are tolerated, this one can never be discovered. Any trace of the sufferers blood or of his teachings must be stamped out. So take these.”

She numbly took the items, now examining the little tub.

“What's this then?” she asked quietly. 

“Concealer” he told her. “you rub it into your face. It's subtle enough but If you blush, you'll look rustblooded instead of mutant.”

She nodded, still wan.

He put a hand on hers, suddenly tired.

“Try it please, for me?”

She went still, looked at him, then nodded.

She got up, waiting for him to stop her. He didn't. 

She walked up into her room, and closed the door.

She sat down on her bed, and started to cry.

 _Thank God gamzee didn't hear_.

  
  
  


Once she is calm she takes the items again, putting the cream on the table by her mirror. 

She sheds out of her shirt pausing in her undershirt to look at herself. 

She had just recently noticed the faintest swell of her heft sacks starting to fill in with the first fat deposits needed for her second pupation. That, and the development of her venom glands benieth them gave her just the beginning of a swell.

She had been delighted at this first sign of sub adulthood, possibly giving her something to chatter over with kanaya, but maybe they weren't such a good thing. 

More than 80 percent of all high ranking militants, gambelignants, and legislacerators were female. Girls tend to be more ambitious and fierce, a stronger tactical mind and a greater battle prowess letting them rise in the ranks quickly.

Girls were _watched._

Even now, looking at the differences in expectation between kanaya and gamzee, the way she was watched in the market, the way she was noticed.

Maybe it was for the best then that she was unnoticeable, unseen, and unremarkable.

She put on the binder, observed her profile, and tightened it another couple of notches.

She wheezed a little, twisting in place. She whined quietly in distress.

It pinched a little against her gills, keeping them flat. It sealed them flat, making her feel a little breathless.

She shook her head, straightening her shoulders, and scowling at her reflection.

She wasn't some fresh hatched wriggler, if that highblooded fishbait could handle it so could she.

She pulled on her shirt and frowned at the tightness in her shoulders. She had grown recently, being a little broader in the shoulder than she once was.

With a little huff, she went and pulled out the biggest, softest sweater she had and tugged it on. It wasn't perfect, but It sucked much less.

She looked at her reflection and nodded, determined.

She would try, for Speedrunner.

  
  
  


Over the next few days she only takes the binder off to bathe and in the recoupricoon to keep it clean. While tolerable at first, the longer she wore it the less comfortable it got.

It was itchy, and made her gillslits feel numb after a while, tender when she cleaned them. She tried not to worry about it but she was lethally afraid of injuring them. 

In the days after she had first pupated she had run around gleefully, enjoying her new legs. She hadn't been wearing a shirt and ran into the edge of a door frame, catching the delicate edge on a rough grain of the edge. It had torn, feeling like a knife between her ribs. 

Speedrunner has panicked when she finally found the air to screech, finding her sitting on her butt in a puddle of red. She still had a tiny scar, rippling the gill so it didn't lay flat. 

On a definitely related note, that was the first time the “shirt and shoes at all time” rule came into play. She had had no desire to argue, bundled up and scruffed by Krabdad while Speedrunner rubbed her head and crooned to calm them both.

That was one benefit she supposed, she had been previously unable to wear some of the big fluffy sweaters she was gifted, the fibres catching irritatingly on the knit. The binder did stop that, which, fair, that was what they were used for in the first place.

The majority of the soreness went away within a few weeks as the muscles in her chest adapted to the pressure. Another feature of her seadweller heritage, she supposed.

While running up the stairs or training she still felt frequently breathless. She wondered if this is how trolls without gills felt all the time, and shuddered.

She began training every morning with Speedrunner, honing her skills, her sickle against his axe and pike. 

He insisted she also learn something with a little more reach, which she didn't actually mind much, so she learned the naginata, first practicing with a heavy stick while Speedrunner pokes her sharply with the blunt end of his own. 

She found it… enjoyable actually, the graceful swings and whip sharp movement very similar to what attracted her to sickles in the first place.

~~She pushed down the longing of her once dream of jointing the threshecutioners. She knew better now than to wish for something wrigglerish like that.~~

She began to flourish under the stress, making progress in leaps and bounds.

She still took blows in training, but now occasionally so did Speedrunner.

Life went on.

  
  
  


Gamzee learns to handle her delicately, his usual bruising hugs no longer tolerable with the added force of the binder.

The first time he had tried, instead of her usual squeeze back, she had yelped like kicked barkbeast and he had dropped her, scared he had hurt her.

She had gently, breathlessly, explained she was just a little… bruised, and he had to be gentle with her ribs for a bit.

He nodded vigorously, wide eyed. 

And now he didn't... tiptoe around her exactly, but he treated ner very delicately, opening doors and lifting things for her, reaching things on higher shelves. He was already maddeningly taller than her.

She huffed and rolled her eyes, but let him, secretly greatful. 

Seadwellers in general depended on their secondary gillsets a lot more than landdwellers realized, she thought. A fairly large amount of oxygen usually came in to supplement that of their air sacks, supporting the strength and healing of dense tissues and secondary organs needed for deep diving and long swims. 

Without it, she was slower, more awkward dispite herself. She struggled to adapt, slowly but surely adjusting to the reduced oxygen supply. There were several times she went a little faint, having to sit down or pant. 

She very carefully hid it from Speedrunner, not wanting him to worry or make him change his mind. She was _committed_ to this thing. 

In the wake of his sudden confession she had vowed to keep hidden, her natural stubbornness rearing it head. She never wanted to see her guardian like that again. He had always seemed strong and intelligent, the great hero of her childhood, not the distressed mess she'd seen at the table. 

His fear was… jarring. She was stubborn, yes, but not stupid. She knew when she was wrong, whether she'd admit it or not. Anything that scared her ~~amazing~~ gaurdian so much had to be truely terrible.

And his story, it scared her, the rhythmic chant of the warning obviously well learned, almost a song. A gospel. 

As she had listened, the words seemed to reverberate with her, an eeiry deja vous, a feeling like drums, each syllable a beat shuddering though her body, from her eyelashes to her fingertips.

She didn't like it, and she sure as hell didn't want to live it, so she decided she'd put on her big girl panties and adapt. 

She was always the kind of person who made up her mind and put her all into a plan, I'll advised or not, and dealt with the consequences hopefully never.

Very like her ancestor, she realized with dark humour. He had chosen to be a Herald of change, stubbornly following this path until he had died for it, leaving his quadrants and mother to deal with the mess.

And so she learned, studied how her male friends acted, how her female friends were, and brute forced herself into the role of Him. It was a little uncomfortable at first, and she knew she slipped up sometimes, (a lot of the time,) but she learned, and she learned quickly.

She got used to warming her cold hands, and evenly applying the paint, and even moving smoothly again, despite restriction. 

She knew Speedrunner noticed, knew he wasn't stupid, and hoped he saw her efforts and approved.

She only hoped it was enough to keep her safe. She couldn't stand the thought of dieing, of being the one to kill her lusus, her hero who had always protected her. She wouldn’t do that to him, couldn't.

Life went on.

  
  
  


Gamzee knows he's not the smartest kid or maybe even the best friend a troll could have, but he really did try. The sopor he had eaten Before Karkat had eaten at his brain, just a little, enough he seemed so much less aware than he was, A little less controlled.

It should hurt, he thought, that they thought him so stupid but he didn't mind, it suited him well enough to be forgotten.

You learned so much more when you were forgotten. Even better, when you were _underestimated._

He had learned to survive when he had been forgotten by his lusus, and it was only bleak hope and sunstroke that kept him going back to that beach, not stupidity. He learned how to read and count and play cards when he had used to sneak around the spaceport, the libraries.

He learned history when Speedrunner spoke to his sister.

He had hidden just outside, suspicious of the odd summoning and listened. He had nearly interfered when Speedrunner had gotten angry, yelling, but he was glad he didn't.

The gospel struck a chord, a silent grief vibrating across his chucklevoodoos, maybe from Speedrunner, maybe not.

He thought of someone hurting Karkat, wrapping hot metal around her wrists, stripping her, beating her, burning her alive. 

Making her scream he thought, and felt rage boiling up into the space behind his teeth. He smothered the wrathful honk and continued to listen.

When Karkat left, he followed silently behind her, seeing Speedrunner sitting at the table, his face in his hands. 

He stayed just out of sight and stopped by her closed door. 

He heard her begin to cry, low heaving sobs, her pain singing across his voodoos. She felt like she wanted to be alone, so he stood guard instead.

When she didn't bring up the whole thing with the binder, he followed her lead, carefully ignoring the issue entirely, pretending not to notice her difficulty, gentling his hugs when they hurt, and getting things for her so she wouldn't need to reach with bruised ribs.

She huffed and rolled her eyes, but he felt her thanks in his voodoos as sure as if she'd shouted them, so he knew she didn't mean it.

When she started wearing the paint on her face, he had searched for a reason to wear some himself, and found the church of the mirthful messiahs. He found himself liking it, the Kindly One reminding him a bit of Karkat.

He would ask her help with his paint and she'd huff in exasperation but do so, getting better and better, her own effort improving until hers was undetectable.

He was _so_ proud of her

She seemed to think he was somehow unaware of her true gender, which was funny since he had been living with her for so long. He didn't argue when she began wearing her big poofy sweaters and using male pronouns. The note of relief the first time she had done so and he had simply nodded decided him.

He would silently follow her along, deaf dumb and stupid if he had to. The Sufferer had had friends, but apparently not a protector. He wouldn't stand seeing her suffer, would protect her happiness.

And if, _messiahs forbid_ she was found, was bound and hurt and _executed_ like her ancestor…

He would take the Dolorosa's place. Speedrunner could go in peace, because he would finish the job, would destroy the empire if her had to.

He would keep her **safe.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Speedrunner: "if anything happened to her I would kill everyone in this room, then myself."
> 
> Here's where unreliable narration starts becoming A Thing. Neither Karkat nor Speedrunner actually have the full picture of the situation and they're both drama queens playing of each other's panic.
> 
> Speedrunner may have come off _slightly_ skeevy with the whole binder thing but was meant by him in the most serious and protective way. Hes a little emotionally delicate right now.


	8. Introspection and foreshadowing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gamzee, Karkat and Sollux unencumbered by timelines.
> 
> Gamzee: 3 sweeps, ~~413 days after meeting Karkat~~  
>  Karkat: childhood???  
> Sollux: shortly after getting together with Karkat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit different than the last chapter, and completely un edited! Might not work with everything else so my bad? Oops.
> 
> Was slated for in a few days but I'm in a terrible mood bc of my PCOS and wanted to post it now, so enjoy!
> 
> Ft. Empathic synesthetic gamzee? Sort of? Headcannoned chucklevoodoo powers.
> 
> I'll probably edit it in a few days, so heads up!

==> G. Makara, 3 sweeps old

Gamzee hadn't been to sure about the Vantas household at first, when Karkat first catapulted into his life, dragging him with her, throwing him into the space head first. Had been… tentatively hopeful, but had been scorned before. Speedrunner had been an unpleasant and hair raising surprise, the only thing that had kept him from running was the adult’s own calm hysteria.

And wasn't that a contrast! On the inside, the man was more like the wrigglers he'd met when he was younger than anyone else, always incredibly overwhelmed and just slightly hysterical, somehow keeping most of it off his face.

Gamzee saw it a little more as the adult got comfortable with him, nervous fussing over karkat and resignation over being mothered by Krabdad, the tension in his shoulders vibrating across the air. 

He'd realized then that not everyone could _hearfeeltaste_ others, the thoughts a tangible thing hanging in the air. It was a shame, because those _feelingcolorsmells_ were the prettiest parts of people, karkat's _silkandstone_ determination, speedrunner's _ozonegreen_ nerves and _sunlightandcoloredglass_ fear, krabdad's _warmseawatersweet_ comfort, ~~goat dad's _starlightandsopor_ affections~~

The collective vibrating warmth filling the house was addictive, vibrating across his skin from the tips of his horns to the tips of his toes, sinking in and melting the defensive chill in his core. Even when he wanted to run, when krabdad's fussing was ~~should be~~ annoying and uncomfortable, he couldn't help but stay, the affection a vibrating rubber band around his ribs, stealing his breath.

He could only twist his fingers into the feeling, absently unlocking and smoothing any aggressive knots or angry burrs in himself as they came into being, popping Technicolor bubbles of anxiety and staying ready _just in case_.

He comes back to himself sometimes - having lost himself in a million shining threads of _noise_ \- to find himself cradled to krabdad's front, his physical body vibrating with a meaningless klicking rattle. A grounding, and it helps him learn control, tap down the sense, the voodoos, to focus on the tangible. He doesn't know if krabdad means to do it, but he appreciates the effort anyway.

It's in this blur that he realizes he's found his niche, his crew in his friend, her troll lusus, her moirail. He sees her as the center of the spider web, the pivot of the wheel. He reaches out and ties a bit of himself (a moonbeam) to a bit of her (a sky of stars), a promise and a tie, to protect and to avenge. Not a quadrant, more a sister in arms… yes, a sister. His sister.

He is 3 sweeps old and he has found the reason he was brought into being.

No death, no suffering, an no _culling fork_ will separate them now ~~or ever again~~.

==> K. Vantas, ???

She dreams of the cocoon, wrapping herself in silk, knowing somehow it was time. Time for what?

She dreams of tearing free and falling out into someone's arms, a jadeblooded adult, so much bigger than her that she flinches, before recognizing him as warmsafehappycomfort

She dreams of his smile, so happy and relieved to see her safe. She dreams of a shadow of fear, of _oh god what if they find my baby, what if I can't protect them?_

The dreams of being wrapped so tight she can hardly move and being strapped to a familiar firm chest, clenching her brand new hands into the collar of their shirt.

She dreams of moving briskly, carefully, _where are we going?_ And _hush hush sugargrub, your going to be just fine._

He dreams of a great wide world, full of great big trees and a light that burns his eyes. He Hides his face, wrinkling his tiny nose.

He dreams of warm, tight arms, of affection and fabric wrapped around him, of _time to go my sweet heart._

He dreams of getting slowly bigger as they move from place to place, of needing more and more expensive suncloth to hide his delicate skin. _Oh darling what are we going to do with you?_

He dreams of sitting still while she sews, stitching his brown cloak with darts of bright red, an indulgence of affection of when she had seen him lingering over the bright threads in the market. _there you are dear, all fixed up_. He twirls delightedly in the light of the moon.

He dreams of running, being chased, huddled in the arms of his mother, running all the way into the light where the others cannot follow. He whines as she dabs ointment into the burns on his face. Her eyes must hurt too because she's crying. _I'm sorry sugar grub, I'm so, so sorry._

He dreams of a little girl getting killed, cut down on the street for stealing bread, his mother trying to keep him from seeing, of trying to help, to step in and stop it, of being held back. _There's nothing you can do for her sugar grub, nothing anyone could. At least was a merciful death, for a rust._

He dreams he is sad, so sad and so angry, he wishes he didn't have to run, wishes trolls could live without the caste system, could respect themselves and each other enough not to fight. _What if they could?_

He dreams he sees these poor pathetic starving creatures, and he pities them _so goddamn much._

_My people,_ he thinks, mourning.

He wakes up.

Karkat rolls over, and doesn't remember in the morning.

………….

==> S. Captor, almost 6 sweeps

He feels like he's flying, like he's crossing a great tightrope bridge.

Hes happier than he’s ever been, ever dreamed of. Its a castle made out of dominos, one wrong move means it'll all collapse, he’ll lose everything has worked for and everything he never thought he could have.

He can't stand the thought of losing his place, of dooming them all or loosing karkat, but it seems like he's clutching at hairs, at razor wire, hoping he won't lose a finger. Or an eye.

The voices of the doomed are becoming louder and louder, a cacophony of noise creeping closer the closer he gets to completing his work. It creeps behind his eyes and sparks a terrible, burning migrane.

He knows he can't stop, the game a fixed event, a pivoting point twisted so tightly into the fabric of reality there's no escaping it. Whether he finishes it now or sweeps from now, even if he tries to escape, destroys the code, the game will exist, and it will find him and all his people. Ex or not, Aradia was never wrong about these things, and wouldn't lie about them, not even to hurt him.

~~He really really wants to stop.~~

So, razor wire. Deadly, dangerous, and the only possible way to survive, ~~to protect her, protect them.~~

He can only hope to the horrorterrors that he doesn't lose her for a secret, for the white lie keeping her safe.

He can only pray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Karkat is dreaming of The Sufferer! This is heavily based on the fact that canonically karkat is in such a perpetual ragegasm because when sighnless was executed he was so angry his emotions VIBRATED THROUGH TIME to infect his descendent, lmao.
> 
> (Apparently that's why nepeta has a crush on karkat, since the disciple was matesprits with signless? The more you know~!)


	9. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sollux has been lying to her and that is _not_ gonna fly.
> 
> Time to go trick him for his own good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~shenanigans ahead~
> 
> More food, more nonsexual intimacy ~~and plot oh my god what the fuck that wasnt the plan -~~
> 
> Small tw for accidental self harm via binding and bad medical care causing gill trauma.  
> 
> 
> Enjoy!

Sollux is lying to her.

She stares at the chat logs with something approaching hostility, as if she can intimidate them into providing answers.

He’s been acting increasingly shifty the last perigee or so, dodging her questions and (badly) pretending everything is normal, deflecting when asked what he's working on. The last time she was on vidchat and asked about how he was doing he'd started talking about the weather of all things. Shed let it go after a few seconds of blank staring, watching him sweat nervously, accepting the subject change with grace.

At first she'd wondered if it was some kind of a surprise for her or something, but he kept looking so bizarrely guilty, almost relieved when she closed the call.

She was pretty sure he wasn't cheating on her, after the conversation about poly relationships and assuring him Kanaya was _fine with it, really, look at the chat logs,_ she'd told him offhandedly she didn't mind him dating other people red ways as long as he didn't hide it from her.

He'd blushed a blotchy yellow but nodded, looking uncertain but tentatively pleased.

So it's not that, which means he's doing something he knows she wouldn't like or approve of, probably something self destructive or otherwise ridiculous and poorly thought out.

She sighs in aggravation, a pensive frown twisting her forehead as she studies the old logs again.

Nothing she doesn't already know.

When she'd asked him outright what was wrong and he'd just suddenly claimed his bees needed him and closed the window.

She scowled. Clearly she was going to have to trick it out of him. For his own good. That's what moirails/matesprits do right? It's basically her job to be nosy about his health and wellbeing. (matesrails? Moirailsprits? She'd figure it out later.)

She sees him online and abruptly makes a decision.

If he isn't going to come to her with it, she'll go to him.

She opens a new chat window.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) began trolling twinArmagheddons (TA)  
  
CG: HEY BABE  
TA: hey <3  
TA: what'2 up KK?   
CG: NOT MUCH, JUST WONDERING WHAT YOUR UP TO, ANYTHING INTERESTING?  
TA: eh, 2ame old 2ame old  
TA: you know how iit ii2  
CG: MMM  
TA: what about you, doiing anythiing iintere2ting the2e day2 ;)  
CG: JUST WONDERING IF MY HANDSOME DORK OF A MATESPRIT IS GONNA COME OVER SOMETIME SOON  
CG: WHAT DO YOU THINK THE CHANCES ARE OF THAT?  
TA: aww babe, ii'm iin the miiddle of 2omethiing  
TA: ii can't ii'm 2orry :(

  
Yeah that's about what she was expecting.  
  


CG: SHOOSH YOU DORK, I DON'T MIND  
CG: I'LL COME OVER.  
CG: I LIKE HANGING OUT, EVEN IF THAT MEANS JUST PUTTERING AROUND YOUR HIVE FOR A BIT AND SITTING ON MY PHONE.   
TA: aww babe <3  
CG: <3  
TA: iif you want to ii won't 2top you, ii love iit when you come over  
CG: YOU JUST LIKE ME FOR MY COOKING YOU DORK  
TA: you caught me  
CG: HAHA CG: BE OVER SOON  
TA: 2ee you 2oon <3  
CG: <3  
  
CarcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased trolling twinArmagheddons (TA)  


Excellent.

  
  


She has Krabdad drop her off out far enough away from the hive not to be immediately seen, sneaking up to the back door and breezing through the puzzle locks. They were childishly easy compared to what they had seemed when she first started coming around. 

(Admittedly, this wasn't that long ago. The puzzles were pretty easy anyways, hive security is merely a formality when the occupant is a bitchy psionic capable of shooting _huge fucking lasers_ out of his eyes.)

She comes across Cyclopsdad in the entrance, chirring a greeting and recieving a grunt and a rough hair snuffle from both heads as they picked her up to inspect her.

Smelling a combination of _sollux_ and cheerfully weaponized _calmsafehappy_ , the lusus decides she’s harmless and drops her abruptly to her feet, lumbering away to the other room.

She lands carefully, dusting herself off and straightening her sweater, puffing hair out of her face and going through the kitchen space.

Knowing her matesprit was terrible at eating regularly unless pushed or guilted into doing so, she went to investigate the rarely used cupboards and coolbox. 

She opens a cupboard and hisses at a spider hiding inside; it scuttles away into a dark corner. She ignores it, knowing one of the bees will kill it sooner or later, and takes inventory.

Instant noodles, leftover rice, most of a cooked fish (hers) and some frozen vegetables and meat probably left in from the last time she'd brought him part of Krabdad’s hunting. 

She snorts, unimpressed. 

The kitchen here is very undeniably hers, given how cyclopsdad can't cook much of anything worth eating and sollux never bothers.

She checks another cupboard and- yes, there’s still a couple of eggs from the last time she made him breakfast, still good, and some of the sauces and such she left in the first time she cooked here.

she puts back the noodles and fish, pulling out a cutting board and a knife.

She cuts the meat into bite sized chunks, smelling the inside to see if it’s still fresh. It is, so she tosses it in salt, throwing it into the hot pan. As that cooks, she seasons the rice with a bit of soy sauce, breaking it up with a spoon.

She beats three of the eggs in another bowl, and goes to check the meat. 

Deciding its browned enough, she scrapes it into another bowl to sit.

She dumps the frozen vegetables in with a little more soy sauce and leaves it to thaw.

Deeming it fine to leave for a second, she creeps up to sollux’s room, quietly opening the door and smiling a little at his back.

Just as she’d expected, Sollux had fallen deep into his coding, typing furiously and swearing under his breath, random sparks shooting from behind his glasses as he works.

Eyeing the scorch marks on the wall above his desk, she decides not to try getting his attention, potentially startling him. Instead, she leaves the door half open so the smell will lure him down.

She has no doubt he’s forgotten she was coming over entirely in the time it had taken for Krabdad to ferry her here.

She goes back down to the food, putting the seasoned rice and the meat into the pan with the veg and letting it cook.

When it seemed hot enough to her, she poured the egg over the top, hearing it hiss as it touched the hot pan.

She heard a little shuffling sound behind her, the air bringing a little poof of Sollux's _honey ozone and sweat_ scent.

“Hey dorkface, fancy meeting you here,” she calls brightly over her shoulder, moving the rice off the burner before turning around.

She falters a little, sighing. 

He stood a few steps away, ratty and a bit embarassed as she eyed him.

He had clearly not showered at any time in the last week, his hair is greasy and she can actually see the bags under his eyes under the glasses. When he grins at her, the gums around his double teeth were unhealthily pale, and at a second glance, his horns looked a little streaky too.

“Oh my god you wriggler,” she complains, approaching her dumbass quadrant and running her hands over him, trying to assess how bad he was. “Are you physically unable to take care of yourself, this is unacceptable-”

She feels his ribs and can tell he’s lost a bit of weight, and considering he doesn't have a hell of a lot to lose-

“Have you been eating at all? I saw you in person not even two weeks ago and you weren't nearly this bad then, what even-” her eyes narrow and she cuts herself off. She grabs his hand and pinches the back, ignoring his yelp, watching how slowly the skin fills back in.

she rounds on him, drawing herself up to her full adolescent height and he takes an instinctive step back, not tugging his arm out of her grip but hunching his shoulders defensively as he waits for her to start yelling.

Instead, she takes a deep breath, holds it, then lets it out in an explosive sigh, dropping his wrist to rub at her temples with both hands.

He looks even more guilty, still not saying anything, actually scuffing his shoe like a little kid, eyes down.

She decides that her ambush plan needs some tweaking. That’s fine though, no battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.

She hooks an arm around his back and tows him over to a chair, him following meekly.

“Sit, you look like you’re gonna fall over,” she fusses, hovering until he's settled. 

He sits, still fidgeting.

She starts by grabbing him a glass of water, scowling at him until he drinks it, then refilling it.

She grabs him a bowl of the rice and tells him if he doesn't at least try to eat it before she gets back he wont like the result.

She frowns again as he does so, not liking how easily he's letting her bully him, but leaves it for the moment, going to fill up the tub with water and, on a whim, bubbles. She swings by his room to get him clean clothes, unusually pleased to see dirty clothes on the floor. 

At least he's been changing his clothes.

She drops them by the sink and turns the water off, going downstairs to see that he had both eaten the food and drank the water, cleaning the dishes with psionics and putting them away as she enters.

She huffs in approval and he jumps a little, sparking.

“Bath,” she informs him, hooking his elbow and tugging him slightly.

She pretends not to notice him leaning into her and shivering, only squeezing his arm reassuringly.

She leads him up and has him strip to his underclothes and get into the bath. He blushes darkly and does so, still a bit body shy. She does the same to join him, knowing he wouldn't comment on her binder, having seen her in it by accident when they'd first gotten together (and _wonderfully, blessedly_ not even commenting).

He shudders once hard, then slumps bonelessly against the side of the tub

She slides in behind him, supporting him before he could slide completely under. His head was against her stomach and she smiled fondly, running a hand through his hair.

They sat that way for a minute, her combing water into his hair and waiting. After a moment-

"Thorry," he says into the surface of the bubbles, and she felt a tingle of energy under her fingertips. "Thorry your matethprit is thuch a meth. I don't mean to be."

She hummed soothingly.

"I don't mind so much. We can work on it together once your better, okay?"

"Okay."

Fucking dumbass, she thought fondly. He knew better, he knew she knew he knew better, and he still managed to lose track of himself completely. If she knew him (and she did) he would be asleep any minute now, the warmth of the bath and the comfort of her presence letting his exhaustion catch up to him.

While she had only been quadrants for a few perigees, they had been very good friends for a long time before that and she had only stayed out of his business as much as she did out of respect for Aradia.

She smiled dryly as she felt him begin to very quietly snore in her arms. Right on scedule.

She would allow him a few minutes to soak before making him get up and wash his hair.  


When the water began to cool she woke him up, nudging him through a groggy hairwashing and stepping out so he could finish up on his own.

She goes down to the kitchen again for her own clothes, drying off and pulling on long pants, looking around furtively before undoing her binder to clean and wash out any bubbles that might have gotten into her gills. 

She examined them anxiously, wincing as the damp washcloth agitated the sore tissue.

The once vibrant red had lightened to nearly the same color as the rest of her, chalky and grey, uncomfortably dry, and one of the slits seem as though it was starting to seal where it was pressed together.

She was lethally afraid of an infection and had been using tiny swabs of disinfectant every few days, swearing at the sting but knowing it was better than the alternative.

It had been manageable before, but the tissue was starting to go a bit numb and tingly which her schoolfeedings said was a _very bad thing._

She tugged the binder back down and pulled on her sweater, stretching and wiggling to resettle everything.

Tomorrow's problems are for tomorrow and she could worry later.

She went to make sure sollux hadn't fallen asleep and cracked his head open, finding him clean but swaying sightlessly under the spray of the shower.

She rubbed him down briskly with the towel and dumped him into his recuperacoon with orders to sleep or she'd make him. He agreed drowsily and dropped off, having clearly been running on willpower and and nervous energy.

She nodded in satisfaction. Questions could wait until he was in more of a state to answer them.

She moved away and went to his computer to save his work and put the hive to sleep, running a finger over a curious bee as they came to say hello. She was pretty sure that the bees were just as tired as sollux had been and needed rest. 

She glanced off handedly at his project then looked again, frowning a bit.

import universe U1(U1);  
import universe U2(U2);  
Import land (LAND);  
Import classpect (CLASS);  
Import medium (MEDIUM);  
  
~ATH(U1) {   
~ATH(!U2) {   
  
}EXECUTE(~ATH(PLAYER=>MEDIUM{}EXECUTE.LAND(RANDOM<CLASS));  
}EXECUTE(~ATH(PLAYER=>MEDIUM{}EXECUTE.LAND(RANDOM<CLASS));  
  
[PLAYER, PLAYER].ENTER.MEDIUM();

  
She read further, feeling her hair raise.  


bifurcate PLAYER[PLAYER, PLAYER];  
import VERSION 1, (PLAYER);  
import SCRATCH, (PLAYER);  
import QUESTBED, (GODTIER1)  
~ATH(PLAYER) {  
~ATH(PLAYER) {  
  
} EXECUTE (~ATH(PLAYER){}DIE(NULL));  
} EXECUTE (~ATH(PLAYER){}DIE(NULL));  
  
[PLAYER, PLAYER].BECOME=>GODTIER1();

She saved and closed the program, ushering the bees to sleep with hands that shook. She shot a look at the coon full of sleeping troll and abruptly left. 

She sat on the stairs and jiggled her leg anxiously, trying to figure out what it was about the code made her feel so rattled.

What on Alternia was he doing playing with _universes?_ What was a “GODTIER”? Or a “SCRATCH”?

Something about the whole thing made her feel feverish, uneasy like someone was watching her. She felt a sudden chill as if someone ran an icey finger down her spine.

She felt her phone vibrate and picked in up to see a notification on her trollian .

[ERROR] has begun pestering carcinoGeneticist (CG)  
  
I suppose I should say welcome to the game young Vantas. Good luck, I will be watching.  
CG: WHAT?  
CG: WHAT GAME? HOW DID YOU GET MY HANDLE?  
CG: (WHAT KIND OF DOUCHE WRITES IN WHITE ANYWAY?)  
  
[ERROR] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist  
  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK   
  
message could not be sent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *nervous laughter*
> 
> Anyone else surprised? 'Cause _I_ sure am.
> 
> ~~this was _supposed_ yo be fluff GDI~~
> 
> Ngl, plot hit me in the face with all the force of a speeding juggalo and this is the result. 
> 
> Also what the fuck even *is* ~ATH asnejdndjksk
> 
> I tried, but it's totally non functional bullshit. (I had to code the code so that the code would code, help)
> 
> Feel free to shoot me questions, reviews are welcome!


	10. TICK,

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 413!!!
> 
> An increadibly terrible chapter but I wanted to post something so EH.
> 
> Will 100% be rewritten, but until then (once again,) happy homestuck!!!!
> 
> Feel free to point out mistakes and ask questions!

She sends a message to Speedrunner that she's spending the day taking care of Sollux, and impulsively opens a window to Kanaya before closing it. She doesn't know what Sollux has gotten himself into, and she doesn't want to drag Kanaya into it. 

She also wants to give Sollux a chance to explain before spreading his business across all of Alternia, but she was certainly freaked enough to want her moirail, either of them, and considering her situation she is shit out of luck.

She knows Sollux can sometimes sleep a couple of days after a binge like this and dumbass or not she cares enough not to disturb him.

She distracts herself running around, aimlessly cruising the net, organising and reorganizing the kitchen and even enduring a second rough squeeze from Cyclopsdad that she only tolerates because it's pointless to struggle, ~~not because she wants a hug or anything.~~

She watches a terrible blackrom movie and bemoanes Scalet Yohans's terrible luck with quadrants, crying over her messy breakup with troll Jennie lawren (even if she _totally_ deserves better), and felt infinitely more centered afterwards.

She falls asleep on the couch, phone clutched limply to her chest.

She half stirrs when a buzz of static lays something soft on top of her. She curls in, burying her face in something that smells like _ozone and pale._

She wakes hazily, much better rested than she had expected, sleeping dry. She reaches up with one hand to rub her eyes and feels the stiff pull of a sopor patch at her wrist. She blinks at it, then smiles stupidly.

She sits up gingerly and stretches, peeling the patch off to wake up and glancing around for her phone, not remembering putting it away before passing out.

She stops as she sees Sollux slumped awkwardly by where her head had been, one arm on the couch and head on top of it. His face was smashed into it and there was a smear of drool just under his open mouth. Somehow he hadn't woken when she sat up.

She suppresses a little snicker and layes back down, bracing herself to avoid shaking it.

She brings her hand up to his hair, stroking it. 

It's a little crusty in places from sopor, but still soft. She impulsively pickes through it, delicately breaking apart the clumps and stroking it back from his face. He stirs, and the rumble of a rusty purr begins vibrating from his chest.

A dopey grin spreads across his face as he looked up, blinking sleep out of his eyes. He has a pair of sopor patches, one on each temple, dampening his psionics and soothing what must be a hell of a migraine.

“C’mere,” she murmurs, tugging at his shoulders. He moves obligingly and she grabs him around the waist, twisting until he's on the other side of her, half on top of her, against the back of the couch. 

He flushes as he always does when she used her strength to manhandle him, before settling, wrapping an arm around her and nuzzling his face into her hair. His reaction is always adorable.

She greedily accepts the cuddles, having missed them in the last few weeks, and especially last night.

She knows they need to have a conversation about his project, but for now, laying there in the half light, sleepy from the patch, she's willing to leave it for later.

(Yeah, she's being a terrible procrastinator but _whatever_ , hard conversations give her hives, and she wants some comfort okay?)

She buries her face in his hair, ignoring the sharp smell. Later.

She'll ask later.

They doze off and on for a while, still only cuddling. She gets the feeling that sollux needs this as much as she does, and seizes on the excuse with relief.

They only separate briefly for the rest of the day, eventually moving to the pile in his room for a proper feelings jam. They talk about nothing and everything, nothing that means anything, and she greedily hogs his attention. 

It's only when his eyes start drifting to the computer that she pulls herself together and realizes she can't put it off anymore. 

He's relaxed enough, cheerful for him, and she feels prematurely guilty about shattering that calm. It's a necessary evil, but an evil none the less.

She reaches up the next time he glances away, tapping his cheek with her fingertips to get him to look back at her.

She gives him a serious look. “I think it’s time we talk about what your working on.”

He grimmaces slightly, immediately opening his mouth to deflect.

She cuts him off with a hard shake of her head, frowning slightly. “Don't tell me it's nothing, or not to worry, I haven't seen you like this since Aradia-”

She sees the guilty flinch he tries to hide and freezes, gaping.

“Wait what, for real? Are you _kidding_ me sollux? Your doing something for-!”

He tries to get up, and she wraps her arms and legs around him so he can't escape. They both know he can use his psionics to break her hold if he wants to, but he respects the gesture enough not to do so immediately, grimacing and looking away.

She frowns at his upset, giving him a gentle full body hug in apology, still not letting him go.

He half relaxes, but still refuses to look at her. She feels a little flash of anger, but shoves it aside to deal with at a time that is not now.

She tries again. “I saw a little of what you're working on after I stuck you in the ‘coon, and i'm a little worried about what your trying to do-”

His head whips around, horn almost taking out her eye. 

She startles away, eyes widening at the laser focus of his face, limbs slackening in surprise.

He moves with a crackle of energy, looming over her and bracketing her head with his arms. 

He’s sparking dangerously even through the sopor pads, and she feels a twitch of instinctive fear before taking in the wide distressed eyes and the blood rapidly draining from his face.

“What did you see?!” he gasped, desperate. Her hands raise halfway off the pile beneath him, and her mouth opens and closes, speechless. 

She realizes all at once that he's actually _scared_ , scared for _her?_

He's panicked, almost bodily covering her as much as he can, thin as he is.

She takes all of this in and forces herself to relax.

She raises her hands properly, bracketing his face, ignoring the sparks stinging sharply against her hands, raising tiny blisters and starbursts in her palms.

He shudders, and for a moment she considers lying to him before quickly discarding the thought. Whatever he's gotten into, she needs him to tell her and she can't expect him to trust her if she's dishonest about this, even to make him feel better.

“Not much," she croons, "not a lot, some bits about lands, godtiers, something, why are you playing with universes? That's _really_ serious starshine, this isn't your usual project is it? Shoosh hun, Shoooooosh…”

He doesn't let himself relax immediately, though he seems to spark a little less.

“Did you get any weird messages after, from someone you've never talked to before?” He half begs.

She pats him again, artificial calm wavering at the reminder.

“I, yes? Some douche in white text, how did- what does that have to do with anything-”

He goes very still, a tremble starting in his shoulders, then collapses on top of her like all the strength went out of him.

She squeaks and flails in alarm as he shudders and gasps, like he's going to vibrate apart, wrapping her arms around him like she could hold him together by squeezing.

She pats his back and shooshes him desperately, not quite sure what to do with a meltdown of this magnitude. 

Belatedly she remembers speedrunner's training and focuses again on generating pale scent, firmly smooshing his face into her neck over her gland.

He gasps once, hard, and then goes still, twitching occasionally.

Crisis temporarily suppressed, she tilts her head to listen to what he's mumbling into her throat.

“-tho thorry KK, I'm tho thorry, didn't mean to get you involved, I fucked up I fucked up -”

Yeah, no, she needs to do damage control. She never thought she'd say it but god bless Speedrunner and his truly exhaustive lessons. 

She gropes around with one hand for something fabric, finding one of her big tent-like comfy shirts half under the coon, (so that’s where that went,) wrapping it around them to trap in the warmth and the scent.

It took time, but eventually he was calm. The only evidence of the hysterical meltdown is an occasional hitch in his breath as she strokes a hand up and down his back.

She sighs faintly, and presses a kiss to the tip of his ear, the closest part of his face she can reach without moving him.

“You’re a bit of a mess you know?” she murmers, kissing his ear again.

“Sorry,” he whispers back, sounding almost sad.

She hums quietly. “It’s okay, you're my mess, so I don't mind.”

She hesitates, weary of a relapse, then says, “I think it's time to tell me the truth.”

When he doesn't react, she continues.

“I'm a big troll, Sollux, and your Matesprit, meaning _partners_ , and I'd rather we support each other than have you carry… whatever this is, trying to protect me or whatever. I'm not some delicate little flutterbug, so let me help you, okay?” 

He curls around her more firmly in an almost hug.

“Tell me please?” she asks again, feeling him nod into her shoulder.

“Okay.”  


She hustles him up and they migrate back downstairs, knowing that this was going to be a long conversation, one that will definately need _so much_ hot chocolate. 

She makes it as he slumps limply at the table, emotionally spent.

She puts the mug in front of him and sits in next to him, leaning her head on her hand and giving him her full attention.

He starts haltingly.

“It started with the ruins aradia has been excavating-”

  


He tells her everything, talking until his voice goes hoarse, only taking breaks to sip at his drink. He doesn't really look at her while he does.

Hers sits forgotten as her thoughts whirl. The more he speaks, the more _bizarrely_ familiar it all feels, like something she knew as a grub, or something from a dream. 

_Godtiers and quests and a game that will save the world..._

She blanks her expression, hiding her unease.

Sollux trails off eventually, glancing up at her and flinching at whatever he sees. He hunches in further and waits for her verdict, fiddling with his mug. 

_~~She can't breathe.~~ _

There's a feeling rising in her like vomit, an ancestral _knowing, a feeling like she's sure he's told her all this before, that this is important, etched into her being, her DNA, ~~the pieces of her that didn't originally belong to her.~~_

__

__

She’s scared.

She's _terrified._

~~She’s kinda offended he didn't trust her sooner.~~

She breathes.

She is aware of a feeling, a sense that they stand on the precipice of a great divide, a split. A fork in the road. 

The world is standing still around them, still in the moment between breaths.

She has to choose, and looking at him, _she knows._

She moves.

She reaches her arms around him, squeezing. 

_I am with you. No matter what._

With a **_TOCK_** like the pendulum of a great cosmic clock, fate begins to spin around them.


End file.
